You Might Be A Liberal

Politics in America is a lot like watching football: there are only two teams on the field, and the people watching will stand by their team no matter how much it shames them.

So, how do people pick a team (or a political party) to begin with? What makes someone say, “I am an Elephant?” Or worse yet, “I am an Elephant, but I have been secretly rooting for the Donkeys for five terms?”

Take John McCain, for example. When he was first entering politics before the Big Bang, McCain obviously thought to himself at the time, “I am definitely a Elephant.”

However, the Senator’s political affiliation has drifted like Bill has from Hillary. Today, McCain is more like Papa Smurf: red on the outside and blue on the inside.

Except that Papa Smurf is warm, caring and genuinely likes his own people. And he never meets with Syrian terrorists:

So, the question is, has John McCain always been a Donkey at heart, or did he go through some profound ideological change at some point? And if he changed, was it sudden, or did he see it coming?

It would be great if McCain could have pinpointed his liberal tendencies early on, with a kind of litmus test which would have shown him for the lefty that he is, and which would have made it possible for us to show his shame to the world:

If only there were such a test…

Well, now there is. In the spirit of Jeff Foxworthy’s “You Might Be A Redneck” routine, we bring you the ultimate method for determining whether or not you or someone you know is a left-leaning, neo-Progressive radical.

Just read the statements below and respond to the best of your ability. If you answer in the affirmative to any one of them, it is very possible that you might be a liberal.

You Might Be a Liberal…

1. If you’ve ever attended an anti-capitalism rally while carrying an iPhone, a designer bag, and a venti Cinnamon Dolce latte, you might be a liberal.

 

2. If you argued passionately for the legalization of marijuana, but then complained when your weed was taxed, you might be a liberal.

 

3. If you think that “bow hunting” involves a trip to the gift wrapping section of Michael’s, you might be a liberal.

 

4. If you’ve ever cultivated your own patchouli oil, you might be a liberal.

 

5. If you’ve ever been mistaken for a homeless person, you might be a liberal.

 

6. If you currently live in a clothing-optional, polyamorist, Pagan commune, you might be a liberal.

 

7. If you haven’t worn shoes in 3 years, you might be a liberal.

 

8. If you once spent an entire summer chained to a tree, you might be a liberal.

 

9. If you recently purchased dreadlock wax, incense, and a crystal necklace on your EBT card, you might be a liberal.

 

10. If you’ve ever lit a joint with a burning American flag, you might be a liberal.

 

11. If you have ever referred to an AR-15 as an “AR-15 shotgun,” you might be a liberal.

 

12. If you refuse to work anywhere that makes you remove your nasal tusk piercing, you might be a liberal.

 

13. If you’ve ever attempted to argue that raising the debt ceiling does not increase the debt, you might be a liberal.

 

14. If you are busy planning the next big Occupy Wall Street rally from the race car bed in your mother’s basement, you might be a liberal.

 

15. If you fear that the growing population on the island of Guam will eventually cause it to tip over and capsize, you might be a liberal.

 

16. If a “global warming” report has ever made you burst into tears, vow never to fly again, and consider getting a vasectomy, you might be a liberal.

 

17. If you still think that Obamacare provides free health insurance, you might be a liberal.

 

18. If the government shutdown upset you primarily because it meant that Michelle Obama would not be tweeting, you might be a liberal.

 

19. If you only find it necessary to bathe once a month, you might be a liberal.

 

20. If you have a tattoo of Karl Marx riding a magical unicorn that sh*ts golden hammers and sickles, you might be a liberal.

 

Have a good one? Leave it in the comments section below!