White House Strikes Back – Jettisons Death Star Petition

I gotta hand it to the White House: in reaction to the ridiculous petition for the US government to “Build a Death Star by 2016,” they have crafted a thoroughly entertaining response.

First, a bit of history. Back in September 2011, the Obama administration launched a website called We The People, an online avenue for average citizens to be able to petition their government for a redress of grievances. When the site first launched, only 5,000 signatures were needed to trigger an official response from the White House. Well, that quickly changed. Less than one month later, the threshold of signatures was raised to 25,000, due to higher-than-expected participation levels. As of January 15, 2013, that threshold has been raised again to 100,000.

And with good reason. Some of the petitions submitted were a little… questionable:

• Bring Back 3D Doritos
• Direct the United States Mint to Make a Single Platinum Trillion Dollar Coin
• Mandate States to Have State Pokemon
• Release the Recipe for the Honey Ale Home Brewed at the White House
• Deport British Citizen Piers Morgan for Attacking Second Amendment

Ok, that last one makes sense.

So how has the Death Star petition fared? Thus far, it has received 34,435 signatures. Note: the White House keeps these records forever. Forever. Yet 34,435 nerds are willing to go on record with, “F*** tax breaks, I want the Death Star.”

To them I would say: try to make your “asks” a little more reasonable. The US government can’t even build a border fence, let alone a Death Star. Plus, what would the government do once it had one? We’d all be dead by 2:00pm. Look, if a Star Wars-themed petition is what you’re after, try requesting something that won’t cost $852 quadrillion, and won’t be immediately followed by an Extinction-Level Event.

And while you’re at it, ask for something that actually advances the human race. Here are a few examples:

• Show more Leia in Jabba’s lair in Return of the Jedi
• Cut the Ewok song
• Completely expunge any and all references to, appearances of, comments about, and associations with Jar Jar Binks, including his name, voice, photograph, signature, and likeness, in whole or in part, from the Star Wars universe
• Release the original Star Wars trilogy on Blu-Ray, but without any of that crappy “Special Edition” digital enhancement because it really sucks
• Make Hayden Christensen’s acting better
• Make young Anakin’s acting better
• Make Yoda a puppet in the prequels, not CGI. He has more life as a puppet
• Basically, make the prequels not be unwatchable pieces of crap

All it takes is 100,000 signatures and the White House can get all of this done. With or without approval from the Imperial Senate, I mean, Congress, which is about as effective. And which, too, is busy handing over our republic to the emperor.

Thankfully, there is something that we the people can do to stop them: we can petition our government, which is going well so far:

• Build a Statue of Master Chief Petty Officer Spartan John 117 on the White House Lawn
• Nationalize the Twinkie Industry
• Shut Down White House Petitions, Since They Never Get a Sincere Response, Few Read Them, & They are Ultimately Worthless